Recipes! Are you kidding?
By Bobby Wallinger
Oh, joy, I have just opened my newly delivered copy of one of my favorite “living in the West” magazines to discover this particular issue is filled from cover to cover with recipes. Now, while one would expect a plethora of articles on the joy of cooking, it occurred to me that I really don’t enjoy cooking!
What? Not enjoy putting various food stuffs together in order to create a tasty casserole, a luscious dessert, a zesty soup?
That’s right! Not any more. I have lost my zest for cooking and even more strange, my desire to make everything from scratch. Glancing through the magazine, hoping to find articles on how I could lose 10-lbs. without even trying, or how I could “erase” age-spots and fine lines, I discovered far too many pictures of cuisine that not only tempted me to veer from my diet but even to forget about my age-spots and fine lines.
Seriously, folks, have you ever detected “fine lines”? The only lines I note to be fine are the ones on reading material that frankly, I cannot read, because they are too fine--but, as usual, I digress.
Checking out the recipe index in my favorite magazine, I found recipes for Caramelized onion dip, (what’s wrong with a pint of sour cream mixed with a pack of Lipton onion soup mix?), meatballs that required 1 ½ tsp. cumin seeds, divided. Divided, how does one divide a cumin seed? I contemplated before actually finishing reading the recipe…oh, whoops, my bad and a ton of other stuff I either do not have on hand, or do not want to go the store to purchase.
Ingredients
The ingredient list went on to include coriander and fennel seeds, pepper, cayenne, cinnamon and salt, turmeric, ground lamb…and get this, I swear my Sunset Magazine stated, “preferably grass-fed”, referring to the lamb, not the turmeric, an egg and vegetable oil. And while I am into the importance of maintaining a healthy ecosystem as much as the next guy, oh whoops, make that gal, or to be politically correct, any person or animal in our hemisphere, I really did not enjoy reading the footnote regarding the grass-fed animals that stated, “They loosen the soil with their hooves, and in the process, work in plant seeds, which they then fertilize with their manure”.
And while I certainly admire and respect Sunset for the high standard they promote for food stuffs, I didn’t want to read the manure part so close to the recipe but… maybe that’s just me.
So back to the ingredient list. Holy moly, I do not even possess coriander, fennel, OR turmeric in my pantry…truth be told, I do not even HAVE a pantry, unless you consider the shelf in a cupboard right above my junk drawer to be a pantry.
The recipe went on to induce me to produce the yummy treat, by informing me of my need to TOAST the cumin over medium heat until fragrant. Fragrant? And still I would not be finished. Now I would have to grind all the stuff in a spice grinder, (whoops, again I have a problem as I do not own a spice grinder…in fact I don’t know what a spice grinder is as I buy all my spices in little cans or plastic mini jars that indicate, g-r-o-u-n-d or whole.
The entire idea became more horrific as I read on and became aware I also needed to make chutney to go with these little puppies…er, balls.
And there were still more ingredients than I have on stock such as minced Serrano Chile, and fresh ginger plus loosely packed cilantro and loosely packed fresh mint. Well, thank heavens for that! I try never to purchase my cilantro and mint packed spoiled and tight.
Alas, while the recipe appeared that the final product would be utterly delicious, I realized my days of spending more time cooking than I do eating any given meal are over. But I shall continue to subscribe to my favorite magazine if for nothing else but to whet my appetite after which I shall grab my coat and go to the nearest market where I can purchase something, “Ready to Eat”.